


Nights like this

by HarryDarling79



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 01:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarryDarling79/pseuds/HarryDarling79
Summary: Holden tries to have a quiet night. Holden and Luke have a talk. Luke and Noah are back together.





	Nights like this

Holden loved nights like this,

Sitting on the porch in the middle of a hot night, the house quiet and all he needed was there… his family safe under his roof, a cold beer and besides the crickets playing their song, nothing but silence.

He stared into the darkness. He couldn’t see a thing but he knew it was there: the Snyder land.  
His past, his present and hopefully his future. 

In the not so far distance he heard the soft whinnering of the horses in the barn and as always, he felt a sense of calm wash over him. 

Taking a sip of his beer he reminisced about all that had happened, to him but also to his family.

It all started with his so-called car accident which turned out to be a kidnapping instead. His family had thought he was dead and had mourned over him.

Not only did Damian withhold the truth from his family, about him being alive, but he also married his wife, while having an affair with his sister.  
Thinking about Damian and what all he had done to his family again, made his stomach roar.  
He pushed the thought away.  
Damian didn’t get to play any roll in their lives anymore and  
he and Lily were getting back on track.

Lily…  
just thinking of her released the tension from his shoulders and made him smile…

his soulmate.

They were taking it slow but he didn’t mind that.  
It gave them time to re-discover their love for each other and sort things out. He had always believed that they belonged together and no matter how hard life hit them, it would all work out in the end.

Whenever Lily was on his mind, his kids were never far away.  
That thought brought an even greater smile to his face.

His kids.

He truly loved being a father and they all made him so proud, every day.

They each had their own personality and they were certainly very different from one another, except for one thing…  
they all inherited the famous Snyder stubbornness.

But if he was honest, and he would never admit this out loud or act upon it, he had a favorite.  
And that was Luke.

He didn’t know why exactly, Maybe being there all alone with Lily when he entered the world had created a special connection between them.

Their bond remained while Luke grew up and became even stronger after Luke came out to him.  
Not that Luke being gay was a big surprise to him, he had suspected it for a while.  
Being totally supportive of his son had also made their connection stronger. Luke would come to him if he needed advice or just someone to talk too.  
They’d had talks about dreams and love and life.

He now knew more than anything that life wasn’t always easy for a gay teenager in a small town as Oakdale. That’s why he respected Luke even more.  
Sure he hadn’t always made the right decisions, but heck which teenager didn’t make mistakes while growing into adulthood?

Luke grew up to be a passionate and loving man with a great writing talent and he just knew that the combination of those three things was going to bring him far in life. The only thing he needed was someone who would love and support him but also ground him. Someone who “got” him and could deal with the whole package that was Luke.  
And that’s where Noah came in the picture… 

 

He thought about what Luke and Noah had been through this past year. After all their previous “bumps in the road”, they had to deal with his disappearing act which was really hard on Luke.  
Then there was this whole Mason mess followed by Noah’s terrible accident.  
They both didn’t handle Noah’s blindness very well.  
He could see Noah’s fear for his future and his need for independence. He could also see Luke’s desperate need to be close to Noah.  
The only problem was: the closer Luke came, the more Noah pushed Luke away.  
Yes, he had seen it coming but it still hurt him that they had broken up. Secretly he had hoped that after all they had been through, they would be able to survive this as well, but he guessed that even Luke and Noah could only take so much.

To make matters worse Luke started a fling with Noah’s doctor. Holden detested the man. Not only because he came in the way of Luke and Noah reuniting once Noah could see again, but also because he really didn’t like the man's personality. 

He’d had some brief encounters with him and every single time he had made a less than positive impression on him. He had tried to talk to Luke about it a few times, but Luke had gotten really defensive and kept repeating that he just had to get over the fact that he wasn’t with Noah anymore. 

He was also told that he should mind his own business, and so he did… Not that it was easy, but he knew better than to push the subject when Luke was showing his stubborn streak.  
He didn’t think that Reid was good enough for his son and everytime he mentioned Reid to Luke, Luke somehow always mentioned Noah in his response. That alone made him certain that those two weren’t done, by far! He was sure Luke knew it too if only he would admit it!

He remembered that time when Noah showed up on his doorstep a few months ago. He had looked at the young man’s torn face for two seconds before Noah had collapsed into his arms and cried. After about 15 minutes or so Noah, of who he thought of as a son, was finally able to speak.

Of course, he started with an apology for his self-called drama queen behavior but Holden had cut him off.He said that he had nothing to be ashamed of and that he was honored that Noah had trusted him enough to share his feelings. Which made Noah tear up again. And after a mumbled “thank you”  
Noah admitted that he was so sad about the breakup and not having Luke in his life. He knew he screwed up but he didn’t know how to fix it since Luke seemed to have moved on from him.  
Holden didn’t want to meddle (too much) in his sons’ life and there was really not much he could do. So he told Noah to hold on and if he wanted Luke back he needed to learn to deal with his issues, fight for his man and hope for the best.

And so Noah did. He went to see a therapist and he told Holden that he made a promise to himself to be somehow involved in Luke’s life.  
If not as a lover than he’d try to become friends. Luke needed to know that he was there to stay and that he would always be there for him.

At first, Luke didn’t seem to notice Noah’s efforts, but after three years Noah inherited some of the Snyder stubbornness, Holden thought with a proud smile on his face, and so he held on.  
Off course Emma and Lily had caught on to Noah’s “quest” and they did everything they could to make sure Luke and Noah were in each others orbit, whether it was dinner, a barbecue or some other family event. Slowly but surely Luke loosened up around Noah and Holden often found them talking to each other, sometimes serious, sometimes laughing, sometimes they even took strolls down to the pond.

They got reacquainted with each other. And to Holden, it was as clear as a bell that it was only a matter of time before they’d be together again. After all, their body language screamed love.  
Holden was especially sure after Luke had come home a few weeks back, eyes all red like he had cried.  
Offcourse Holden couldn’t be sure but he would bet his finest horse on it that it had something to do with Reid. He was curious about what had happened, but over the years he had learned not only to be a stubborn but also a patient man.  
He would find out sooner or later.

If anything, it brought Luke and Noah closer than ever and they spend more and more time together. They would go horseback riding for hours, they would pick up some errands for Emma, basically, they would find an excuse to be together.  
Noah had stayed for dinner almost every day and he didn’t leave until they both ran out of excuses for Noah to stick around. Offcourse neither Luke or Noah said or explained a thing and both Holden or Lily knew better than to ask.

Holden had to laugh when he thought back on what happened tonight.  
All four of them were relaxing in the parlor when Luke had bluntly announced: “We’re going to bed” while he pulled Noah up and made his way to the staircase.  
Holden had looked up to see his own surprise mirrored on the face of his wife.  
They both had a quick silent conversation and decided to play along.  
“Okay,” he had said while trying to cover his smile with his book, “be sure you guys get a good night of sleep.”  
He looked just up in time to see Luke roll his eyes at him and to see Noah’s cheeks all flushed.

Yes, they were definitely back together. 

Not that he had any doubt after what he had almost walked in on this afternoon, while he was about to enter the barn. 

In a weird way, he was glad they were…uhm …loud.  
Because otherwise, he would have actually opened the barn doors… and that’s a vision he could do without. He and Luke may have had a talk or two about relationships and sex in the past, but that didn’t mean he wanted to actually SEE his son having sex. There were certain things a father didn’t need to know about his kids and this was one of them…

Still chuckling he took another sip of his beer when he heard the screen door squeak.

“Dad?” he heard a familiar voice say.  
Luke stepped onto the porch with his hair sticking out in every direction, only his PJ bottoms on and a coke in his hand.

“What are you doing here? Are you all right?”

“Yes, I’m fine Luke, just enjoying the night. Care to join me?”

Luke sat down next to him.

He had a feeling he knew why Luke was awake so he just sat back and waited for Luke to open up to him

 

When after a few minutes Luke still remained silent, just sitting there drinking his coke, Holden’s curiosity got the best of him.

“So Luke… wanna share the reason why you are awake?”

A deep sigh followed “I’m thirsty I guess??”

All Holden had to do was look at Luke with his eyebrows risen like he was saying: “Are you kidding me?” and Luke gave in with a small smile on his face.

“Never could fool you, right dad?”

“Nope,” Holden answered.

Luke sighed before he said: “Well I just got a lot on my mind”

“Let me guess: it has something to do with that tall blue-eyed man who is currently sleeping in your bed?  
Who is, I tell ya, gonna be here on this porch searching for you within 30 minutes, promised.”

Luke rolled his eyes and laughed.  
“Yes dad, it has a lot to do with Noah if you must know.

It’s…uhm well the thing is….

We are back together” he blurted out.

“And I doubt it very much that he is going to come looking for me.  
I pretty much wore him….” Luke stopped mid-sentence when he realized what he was about to say.

With the hint of a blush on his cheeks, he continued,  
“Uhm…he was pretty tired so he is probably sleeping.”

“I bet,” Holden said suggestively.

Luke rolled his eyes again in response.

Holden continued in a more serious tone.  
“Really Luke, I am happy for the both of you.  
I have seen how hurt you both were, I also saw you two grow closer over the past weeks and I am very glad you have found your way back together.”

“Thanks, dad. I guess I knew that already but it means a lot to me to hear you say that.

I think you know that I always value your opinion so I guess I have an apology to make.”

“For what?” Holden asked

“Well you have tried to ask me about Reid a couple of times but I cut you off every time”

“You make your own decisions about what you do and what you don’t want to tell me, Luke. You are a grown man”

“I know dad, but that doesn’t mean I had to get rude and all defensive about it…”

“Why did you then?” Holden asked carefully.

“It’s because you know me too well dad, and I was afraid you were going to say things I wasn’t ready to admit to myself.”

“And what kind of things would that be?”

“that I messed up, big time!”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Luke, you both made mistakes, you know that.” Holden countered.

Luke stared into the darkness, avoiding Holden’s intense gaze.

“I know dad, but it was such a mess.  
We were such a mess.  
I mean even before the accident happened we were having these issues and I guess the accident and Noah’s blindness exposed how serious these issues were.  
We stopped listening to each other. I mean we talked a lot but both of us weren’t really hearing what the other one said.

I needed Noah to need me because I was afraid of not knowing who I would be and what I would do if Noah didn’t.  
The past few years my life pretty much revolved around being with Noah. And don’t get me wrong: I loved it, but it also caused me to lose my sense of self.

Does that make sense?”

“yes, it does” was the only thing Holden said. He knew Luke wasn’t done yet, there was more to come, so he kept quiet.

And like he predicted Luke took another breath and started talking again.

“And I am not saying that was Noah’s fault, not at all because I was the one who let that happen.

But then Noah started pushing me away and I tried and I tried to connect and it felt like I failed every time.  
I failed him, I failed me and I failed us.  
Finally, I reached the point where I couldn't do it anymore and I never thought I’d be the one who’d do this, but I was the one who broke up with Noah. Although I now think we were not “together” long before that.

And then all of a sudden there was Reid.”

Holden couldn’t help but sigh at that name which caused Luke to look at him.

“Oh, I know you hated him dad and don’t try to deny it!  
I know you pretty well too” Luke said with a smirk on his face.

Holden could only smile before Luke turned his head facing the darkness in front of him again as if it was easier talking that way.

“Reid… Reid just made me feel wanted. He was straightforward with his intentions towards me and he was…

not Noah…

I felt good, you know, to feel wanted again and everything was new and exciting.I had missed that feeling so much and he was just there to fill the gap so to speak.

But I couldn’t forget Noah. It’s like he was always there inside my head and inside my heart and believe me, I tried to push him away.”

Luke faced Holden as he continued with a smile in his voice:  
“and that whole matchmaking thing mom and grandma had going on didn’t help either”

“Oh you mean it worked?” Holden asked coyly

“Haha yes, dad it worked, obviously…”

No seriously, that helped a lot. After a few uncomfortable encounters, we got used being around each other again and Noah and I started to talk.  
Suddenly it felt so much easier, without the pressure of being in a relationship. We were actually hearing what the other one was saying. We talked about our hopes, fears, life and our dreams. We did that in the beginning of our relationship, but somehow life always got in the way of that. We were forced to deal with other things than “us”  
By the way, did you know that Noah is seeing a therapist? I am so proud of him for taking that step.”

Holden didn’t have time to answer that question because Luke was on a roll now, so he kept quiet once again.

“Anyway” Luke continued giving a deep sigh

“A few weeks ago Reid suddenly broke up with me, out of the blue. He said that being involved with anyone distracted him from his work and he could not have that, besides he was planning on going back to Denver so he said it was fun while it lasted but nothing more.  
No need to tell you I was upset. At first, I thought I was upset because I was once again being left alone and I felt there must be something wrong with me for people leaving me all the time.”

Holden grimaced at that statement knowing all too well he and Lily both contributed to these insecurities Luke had.

“But when I came home I ran into Noah. He was there for me dad, really there. He only had to look at my face to see how I was feeling and he took me by the hand and led me to the pond.

And there we had this amazing talk.

He asked what happened and I felt that I could tell him everything in that moment and so I did.  
I poured my heart out.  
He was very understanding and comforted me, although it must have been hurting him, hearing me talk about another man, he was nothing more than amazing and that’s not all he did.  
He confronted with some things.  
He told me then that he was in therapy and that he was learning to deal with issues like running away for intimacy and not feeling good enough.  
He asked if it could be that I was running too but in a different way.  
That really opened my eyes dad, because he was right.  
I guess the reason I am always so focused on somebody else, especially the people I love, is that I don’t have to focus on myself, so in fact, I am running from myself and my insecurities of not being good enough.

The biggest revelation to me was that in that moment I discovered that I wasn’t so much upset with Reid and him leaving me but that I was actually kind of relieved because I didn’t have to pretend I was happy anymore. I didn’t need to push Noah out of my head and heart because inside my head and heart is just the place where he belongs.  
Those last words were spoken so determent that  
Holden just sat back and looked at Luke in awe.

“Dad? So what do you think of all this? Any advice?”

Holden shook his head in disbelief at the sudden unsure tone Luke had in his voice and smiled at his son.

“you just impressed me with your story which contains more insight and self-reflecting any young adult should be allowed to have.  
Seriously you make us oldies look like fools, buddy, and you ask me for advice?”

“Uhm well, I said I value your opinion dad” Luke said a little embarrassed with the compliment.

“Well son, you are not going to get any advice from me, but I will tell you this:  
I love you and I love Noah. And every day I am proud that you are my son. I am proud of who you are and I am proud of the choices you make in life.  
Every day I am thankful for the fact that you came into my life and the same goes for Noah. I love being your father Luke and Noah’s father too.

Holden looked at Luke and saw his eyes were brimmed with tears.  
He opened his arms and Luke happily took the invite.  
In the crook of his neck he heard Luke whisper: thank you, dad, thank you.

They ended their hug when the screen door squeaked for the second time that evening.  
Holden gave Luke a knowing smile when Noah, also only wearing nothing but PJ bottoms, stepped onto the porch.

“Hi, Holden. Luke, are you okay?” Noah asked while he sat down beside Luke.

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

Noah shrugged. “Well, I woke up and you weren’t there so…”

“You came looking for me” Luke finished while clasping Noah’s hand into his.”

Noah smiled in return.

“No need to worry babe, I just needed to talk and dad was here.”

A silence fell, Noah’s question lingering in the air.

As Holden expected the question came, after a good 30 seconds.

“Where did you need to talk about and why didn’t you wake me? You know you can talk to me don’t you?”

Luke’s fingers softly stroke Noah’s hand.

“Yes I do know that Noah but you were so fast asleep” Luke smiled suggestively before he continued “When I woke up tonight my head kept spinning over what happened the last few months.  
And you know how I need to say things out loud in order to process things”

Noah nodded, understanding what Luke said.

“So I talked to dad. 

I also told him that we are back together”

Luke witnessed the quick, silent communication that followed after his last statement between Holden and Noah before Noah turned his face to Luke again. 

He made a mental note to himself to get Noah to tell him what that was all about.  
He still remembered some tricks that would get Noah to do whatever he wanted, he thought rather smug with himself.

“Not that I needed you to tell me though…” Holden spoke.

Both boys looked up at Holden.

“What?” they asked in unison.

“I said you didn’t need to tell me that you were back together. I already knew…”

“You did? How? Luke asked clearly surprised.

“I almost walked in on you this afternoon and just so you know, those barn doors are not soundproof!”  
Holden said with a straight face although he had trouble not to laugh out loud when he saw Luke’s face turned from surprise into shock and embarrassment.

“Oh my God how awful!” Luke said while he was hiding his face in his hands.

“I am so sorry dad. Oh and I am so sorry Noah, I swear I didn’t know that otherwise I, we….”

Luke’s panicky tirade got interrupted by the sound of someone laughing out loud.

When he looked up he saw that it was Noah. He was in the midst of a full-blown laughing fit. Luke couldn’t decide whether that sight before him made him want to scowl at Noah or kiss him silly.

When he looked to the other side he saw his father looking at them with a very amused smile on his face.

He shrugged: “alright I give up, apparently this is funny.”

The tone of his voice made Noah stop laughing.

Oh, come on Luke… this IS funny… sort of.

When Luke still didn’t laugh Noah turned serious.  
He cupped Luke’s face when he spoke:

“Luke, tell me. When we were in the barn this afternoon. Did you feel ashamed? Did it feel wrong?”

“You know I wasn’t and no it didn’t, at all” Luke admitted shyly.

“Because it wasn’t something to be ashamed of and it sure wasn’t wrong what we did.” Noah continued.

“I admit that it feels kind of awkward that Holden almost caught us, but I’d be damned if I feel ashamed of it.  
We love each other Luke and we are not kids anymore. You are my partner, we are in a committed relationship and yes we made love in that barn. And you know what? I surely hope this wasn’t the last time we did that…”

Holden had witnessed the scene folding before him with interest.  
He was surprised and amazed by Noah’s sudden heartfelt declaration of love. By the look of it, so was Luke.

“I am your partner?” Luke asked in a voice thick with emotion.

“If you want to be” Noah answered. “I think we kind of outgrew the title “boyfriend” don’t you think?” Noah said with a loving smile.

Yeah, Luke definitely thought that kissing the man silly was a great idea, so he did.

Although Holden loved to see his boys in love, after a few minutes he had enough…

“Uhm guys, do you think you can go to bed now and leave a man at peace with his beer?”

They broke their kiss smiling.

“Sure Holden,” Noah said. “This guy needs to go to bed anyway if he wants to get that writing done that he has planned on doing in the morning…”

“You are writing again? that’s great Luke!” Holden said happily.

“Well, I am going to try anyway…” Luke said standing up with a smile on his face “I have lots of inspiration lately.”

“But that’s not the only reason I want to go to bed,” he said while he was pulling Noah to his feet.

“Oh, what’s the other reason?” Holden asked curiously.

“Well…” Luke said with a naughty look on his face while he dragged Noah to the door. “ I need to show my man how sexy I think he is, being all self-assured. I mean, how can you resist a man that says things like that??”

Holden could only laugh while Noah grumbled:

“Luke…do you have to be so blunt??”

“What?” Luke said laughing “You said it yourself… we have nothing to be ashamed of, I am your partner remember? And if I want to make love to my partner then so be it!”

Noah rolled his eyes at him and Holden.

“Okay stud, have it your way, let's put your money where your mouth is then,” he said while pushing Luke further through the door.

The last thing Holden could hear was Luke saying:

“Money? I am not planning on putting money…” before Noah cut him off by saying: “Shut up Luke and get your cute butt upstairs NOW!” followed by heavy giggling.

Finally, the laughter died down, or at least he couldn’t hear it anymore.

He snickered while he shook his head and leaned back taking a sip of his beer. He did some more thinking. About Luke and Noah, about his other kids, about Lily and everything that had lead up to where he was right now:

He was sitting on the porch in the middle of a hot night, the house was quiet and all he needed was there… a cold beer, his family safe under his roof and besides the crickets playing their song, nothing but silence.

He stared into the darkness. He couldn’t see a thing but he knew it was there: the Snyder land.  
His past, his present and hopefully his future. 

In the not so far distance he heard the soft whinnering of the horses in the barn and as always, he felt a sense of calm wash over him. 

 

Yeah… Holden loved nights like this.

 

 

~the end~


End file.
